Author Guest Post! – Chris Rylander

STAPLES: Sure, whatever. You know this is weird, right?

CHRIS: Shhh… you’re ruining the interview already.

STAPLES: Whatever, let’s just get this over with.

CHRIS: Okay then. So, Staples, can you tell us a little bit about what you’ve been up to since the events that took place in first The Fourth Stall?

STAPLES: Well, after that little punk, Mac, basically destroyed my business and pretty much my life, I went on a bit of bender doing stuff I shouldn’t have been doing.

CHRIS: Like what?

STAPLES: All kinds of normal troublemaking. You know, like, cutting people’s lawns unevenly without their permission, literally stealing candy from babies, pushing tourists into water fountains, sneezing on random people on the bus, feeding bacon to pigs, wearing a Chewbacca mask to the dentist…

CHRIS: Wait, wait, wait, you’re messing with me, aren’t you?

STAPLES: Wow, it took you that long to figure it out? I thought you were supposed to be smart or something…

CHRIS: Yeah, well, not all rumors you hear are true. Anyway, so what were you really up to?

STAPLES: Let’s try to keep this interview PG. So I’ll just say it was enough to land me back in the slammer for a short stint and we’ll leave it at that.

CHRIS: I’m sure people out there would love to hear more about your past. Any interesting stories you can share?

STAPLES: Something that sticks out to me the most is memories of taking my sister to the zoo. She used to love to go to the zoo when she was really little and since my dad was a complete deadbeat, I was the one who had to take her. She loved it so much, she could literally go every single day and never get tired of it. Her monkeys were always her favorite. But what I really remember is the wasps. There were always so many wasps. And they were drawn to me for some reason. So I would get stung close to a dozen times every single time we went. But you know what? It didn’t matter. Because my little sister always had so much fun that it was worth getting stung by swarms of wasps. In fact, I would give anything to be able to take her to the zoo again one more time, even if it meant I got stung fifty times.

CHRIS: Hey, anything’s possible.

STAPLES: Don’t patronize me.

CHRIS: I was just… never mind. Anyway, what about school, what was school like for you?

STAPLES: How do you think? I hated it. The teachers hated me and I hated them. I didn’t want to be there and everybody knew it. so they didn’t even try. It’s fine, it was better that way. Once I dropped out life was better for everyone, the teachers, the principals, and especially me. Look, I don’t really want to talk about it.

CHRIS: Okay, but what were your friends like in school? Did you ever have a pal like Vince?

STAPLES: Not really.

CHRIS: There must have been someone?

STAPLES: Well, okay, sure, there was this one kid I remember. Back when I was in grade school I had this one friend who used to think he was a dog. I mean, like, really a dog. He would bury stuff all over in his backyard, and liked to gnaw on ham bones. And he would run out of class randomly and then we’d all see him chasing a squirrel around the school’s front lawn. Sometimes he would drag his butt all across the school hallway, and he would scratch his own ears with his feet. Plus he was terrible at baseball, because after he hit the ball he would just chase after it and bark instead of running the bases. His name was Blue. Then later, by the fifth grade, we all realized he acted so much like a dog because he actually was a dog. A retriever-shepherd mix, I think. I still can’t believe we all thought he was a human kid for so long.

CHRIS: That is a pretty funny story. I mean, so funny it almost sounds made up.

STAPLES: Are you calling me a liar?

CHRIS: What? No, no, not all. I mean, of course not. A kid who thought he was a dog but was actually a dog posing as a kid? Totally, completely think that really happened. Why would I think otherwise?

STAPLES: Look, I gotta go…

CHRIS: Wait, just a few more questions.

STAPLES: Fine. But no more questions about school.

CHRIS: So what’s next from you? Are you reformed? Or are you going to be up to your old shenanigans?

STAPLES: You know I can’t tell you that. People will just have to read The Fourth Stall Part III to find out.

CHRIS: What a great teaser. Now even I want to rush out and buy, like, eighteen copies. And I’m the one who wrote it! Is it true that everyone who buys at least fourteen copies of The Fourth Stall Part III will get a free, real live unicorn in the mail?

STAPLES: What in the heck are you talking about?

CHRIS: Never mind. Anyway, thanks again for joining me. And, uh, sorry for having Mac and Vince thwart your tomfoolery in The Fourth Stall and all. It was nothing personal.

STAPLES: It’s okay, I’ll get my revenge on you. Probably sooner than you think.

CHRIS: …

Thanks for stopping by, Chris and Staples!
You can find Chris at his website here or follow him on twitter @chris_rylander